Some Updated Pics

My girl on the first day of Middle School~





Shopping for some healthy stuff~






Happy 12th Birthday! (last October)






Snapshot at the Endo's office. Gotta love a girl that can pose anywhere...even the restroom... Incidentally, this was after we found out her A1C had come down a lot, hence the huge grin.






One of the things that Maddie L.O.V.E.S to do!! (This was taken when she was walking Coco back to the barn after a hard lesson).

The Dreaded Appointment

Every other month we see our endo, and on the way there, I dread finding out what Maddie's A1C is. This time was no different. Alas, the A1C machine (don't know what it's called) beeped, so I asked. She had gone from 8.5 to 8.7. Although I was glad she wasn't in the 9's, going UP was not the direction that I was hoping to have gone.

I allow Maddie to be a little higher at night, or I don't give her the complete correction, because I have this eminent fear that she will crash during the night, and not wake up. Because whatever the number is, I don't know if it's going up, or down at a rapid pace.  (We do not have the CGM at this point in time.) This is my problem--she's too high during the night and first thing in the morning. And it's all my fault. I've come to grips with this. I take full responsibility.

I HATE DEALING WITH THIS STUPID DISEASE.

In addition to screwing up her A1C, her height and weight has gone from the 50th percentile, to the 25th percentile over the last year. Yeah, I know--I'm such a great mom.....not. My child is shrinking. Well, actually, she's not shrinking, she's just not growing.

I HATE DIABETES!!!

"But she's picky!" and "She isn't hungry much of the time!" and "She eats healthy food MOST of the time, so she's probably not getting enough calories!" These were my ignorant and useless justifications for my reprimanding from the doctor. Basically, she's not eating ENOUGH, therefor, not getting enough insulin. Could this be any more difficult to grasp in my little blonde brain?

Everytime I read other type 1 moms' blogs, I learn something new--like how the humidity can alter blood sugars, or how allergies to pollen can send you through the roof. Will I ever get the hang of this? I mean, come on, people--you would think that after almost 5 years, I would have gotten the hang of this by now.

Nope. Did I mention that I hate this stupid disease?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.....

I have a bit of a problem on my hands.  If you've read any of my previous entries, you know that I thought long and hard, and decided to pull Maddie out of the wonderful Christian school she was in, in order to home school her......in order to reduce her stress of being in a classroom.........in order to bring her A1C down.  As you may have read, everyone who should have been on my side was against me, but I did it anyway, for the benefit of my child.

It's worked, the A1C is slowly coming down, and Maddie is doing a great job at her work, and liking the curriculum that I chose.  I even went so far as to put her in some cool "home school" classes that a local group provides for kids to experience electives, be away from mom, etc.  (I know, I know, that last part defeats the purpose, but whatever......)

Lately, I've been getting flack about how I'm reducing stress now (and lowering the A1C) but when she does get to a point in her life that she experiences stress, whether it be going back to school, or just life in general, she will not be able to handle it, therefor making her A1C go up again.

Maybe I'm rambling, but I think that if I'm doing what is best for the health of my child RIGHT NOW, then I'm doing the right thing.  I'm realizing that indeed it was the stress of having other kids around, whether it be distractions, or competition with grades, tests, etc.  I've learned a lot about her since we've started homeschooling, and I feel like I'm doing the right thing for her, right now. 

Should I worry about "later" now?  Or should I concentrate on "now" now?  Or should I just do what I think is best for my diabetic child?  I mean, it's not like I'm her mother or anything, or in charge of her entire well being, or the primary care taker of this stupid thing we call diabetes.  Oh, wait--YES I AM.

 

Whew

So sorry, fellow blog followers.  November and December have been very busy months.  As far as numbers, Maddie's been up and down, but her A1C went from 8.5 to 8.3 in 3 months.  That's a start.  I wish it were back to 7.9 when she started 2nd grade, but I'll take anything that's headed downward.  I'll start back up with my much needed and much loved blog time as soon as our schedules get back to normal, and Shawn and Reilly go back to school.  At least that's my intention....
: )

My New Title

Today I got a new title.  I am now the WORST MOM EVER.

I've never claimed to be "Mother of the Year".  Yes, sometimes my kids go outside without jackets when it's cool.  And yes, I've unexpectedly noticed Maddie wearing flip-flops in the winter.  And, yes, there have been mornings when the kids go out the door without brushing their teeth.  And yes, I've been known to pick up 3 happy meals so as to not have to get out all the stuff for PB&J's.  I have arrived at church only to realize that someone wasn't wearing pants.  I do rush out the door some mornings forgetting to feed breakfast to at least one person.  Yeah, so?  Don't we all have those moments that are monumental at the time, but 15 years from now, we'll laugh about?

I don't claim to be one of those super moms who has it all together, with everyone looking immaculately clean, with brand new expensive clothes on, and every hair in place.  In fact I'm quite the opposite.  I don't know how many times I've gotten to wherever it was that I was going only to realize that no one (including myself) had brushed their hair.  I have taken my kids into Wal-Mart and thrown them in the buggy because I couldn't find one of their shoes as I was walking out the door.  "Too bad--you can ride in the buggy with the toilet paper and diapers.  Next time, don't lose your shoes!"   

But one thing that I am absolutely not, is a BAD mom.  I am also not an IRRESPONSIBLE mom.  I also think that I know quite a bit on how to take care of my chronically ill child.  Not today, though.  Today, I'm the worst mom ever..... 

It was Maddie's 9-year old check up, and I expected it to be a normal, non-eventful visit.  When they called her name, the nurse checked her height, weight, vision, and hearing, then sat her down to prick her finger.  After all of that, we presented the nurse with a fresh cup of warm morning urine, that had been sloshing around in my purse all day (of course, the cap was screwed on tight, and it was in a ziplock baggie).

Now, I am very aware of Maddie's A1C, aware of her ketones, and aware that they would find sugar in her urine, typical of a diabetic.  My first mistake was watching the nurse check her ketones.

"She doesn't have ketones, does she?"  On the ketone scale, "Trace" and "Small" are just signs that Maddie needed to drink water this morning, and that her blood sugar may have been a little high when she woke up.      
"She's right between "Trace" and "Small", but that's no big deal."  Actually, for anyone else, it is a big deal, but for Maddie, I know what it means, because I've been there and done that, and I can tell you what it means in my sleep. 

From across the crowded hallway, I hear a low and stern voice bellow out, "Trace to small? Is there sugar in her urine?"  This was one of the doctors that I was NOT seeing that day.  It's also a doctor that doesn't know me and doesn't know Maddie.

Stunned, the nurse looked up and hesitated to tell him that there was sugar in her urine.  I'm not sure what the number means exactly, but by the look on her face, I knew I was going to get flack about it.  I just didn't realize I was going to get flack about it from a man I had never met, nor had ever looked at my daughter's chart.

He walked over to Maddie and put his hand on her shoulder and told her that she needed to drink more water, and try to keep her blood sugar down.  **SARCASM ALERT**  Oh, really?  Is that what she's supposed to do??  Good, because no one had ever mentioned that to us before!!

He then started questioning ME in the hallway outside of HIS patient's room and in front of a whole bunch of nurses and patients.  "What's her A1C?  What have her blood sugars been like? How much insulin is she getting per day?" and on, and on, and on, and on......

**SORRY--ANOTHER SARCASM ALERT**

Oh, how did I get from the pediatrician's office for a regular annual check up, to the endochrinologist's office for a lab visit?  And how did our usual sweet, quiet and FEMALE doctor turn into a humiliating MALE pediatrician/endocrinologist before my very eyes??

His last statement to me was with his finger pointed at my face.  "You need to get that blood sugar under control, and fast!"  Then as quickly as he stepped into my conversation with the nurse, he stepped into his next patient's examination room.  And he was gone.

After the nurse rolled her eyes and told me that she didn't know what his problem was, she took me and Maddie into our examination room.  What she apparently didn't realize from that confrontational conversation is that with that little finger point, he was giving me my new title. "WORST MOM EVER"