Every other month we see our endo, and on the way there, I dread finding out what Maddie's A1C is. This time was no different. Alas, the A1C machine (don't know what it's called) beeped, so I asked. She had gone from 8.5 to 8.7. Although I was glad she wasn't in the 9's, going UP was not the direction that I was hoping to have gone.
I allow Maddie to be a little higher at night, or I don't give her the complete correction, because I have this eminent fear that she will crash during the night, and not wake up. Because whatever the number is, I don't know if it's going up, or down at a rapid pace. (We do not have the CGM at this point in time.) This is my problem--she's too high during the night and first thing in the morning. And it's all my fault. I've come to grips with this. I take full responsibility.
I HATE DEALING WITH THIS STUPID DISEASE.
In addition to screwing up her A1C, her height and weight has gone from the 50th percentile, to the 25th percentile over the last year. Yeah, I know--I'm such a great mom.....not. My child is shrinking. Well, actually, she's not shrinking, she's just not growing.
I HATE DIABETES!!!
"But she's picky!" and "She isn't hungry much of the time!" and "She eats healthy food MOST of the time, so she's probably not getting enough calories!" These were my ignorant and useless justifications for my reprimanding from the doctor. Basically, she's not eating ENOUGH, therefor, not getting enough insulin. Could this be any more difficult to grasp in my little blonde brain?
Everytime I read other type 1 moms' blogs, I learn something new--like how the humidity can alter blood sugars, or how allergies to pollen can send you through the roof. Will I ever get the hang of this? I mean, come on, people--you would think that after almost 5 years, I would have gotten the hang of this by now.
Nope. Did I mention that I hate this stupid disease?
Coexisting with dark places.
5 years ago
I hate this disease too!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing just fine. I could only dream of having an A1C under 9 for most of my teen years! She might also be on the way to the next growth spurt and it just hasn't hit yet. Forward progress is the most important thing. Maddie will be fine. I was a skinny kid and never ate much either at her age, too.
ReplyDeletePlease don't beat yourself up over it. She is getting the best care she can get. And yes, I also hate this stupid disease! Hang in there :)
((HUGS)) I'm sorry you had such a rotten appointment!! Hating this disease with you!!
ReplyDeleteI tend to late Jada run higher at night, (in the low 200's) because if I don't, we'll wake up to numbers in the 45-60 range, which is just way too low. I know this may keep her A1C a little higher, but I feel so much safer like this. I'm hoping the pump will help to solve this problem for us...we'll see. We have our 3 month check coming soon...NOT looking forward to it!
Don't beat yourself up. This is such a stressful disease to manage and we all do the best we can! We're here for you!
I've had this disease for 16 years and I'm still struggling with this stupid disease. And honestly, it *is* the disease - not you! You are a great mom. :) Childhood and puberty are difficult because you have a lot of hormones affecting things and they're not really something you have control over. Everyone with diabetes struggles with it, in different ways, so don't feel bad. As long as she's HAPPY, that's what's important. :)
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Allison
www.lemonade-life.com
I'm sorry...I know how you feel! I too used to run Maddison higher at night in fear of lows. The only way I got over it was time...lots of night checking and brainwashing myself into understanding that I COULD get it right.....
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
It's okay, Hon. I just "celebrated" 8 years of dealing with it myself. It's still a guessing game, and I think it always will be. We learn what to do and not to do, what food effect us what way - but then something else happens that totally throws everything out of whack. You're doing your best. Doctors are frequently just mean. :) I always hate going to the Endo, I leave depressed and frustrated.
ReplyDeleteDiabetes sucks. You both are doing a great job dealing with it!
I hate this dumb disease too!
ReplyDeleteWe also let Jacob run a little high at night - the same fear gets me and I just can't stop myself from worrying if he is in the mid hundreds... so upper hundreds to low two hundreds it is...
Don't beat yourself up - we all do the best we can. Without you, she would'nt have made it 5 years. Just remember that! ((((HUGS))))
We've been at it for 8 years, and I still don't get it!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that's for sure with diabetes.....it sucks.
I hate diabetes too!
ReplyDeleteNate's target at night is 180 but I let him go high too. It's that damn fear of the low. We all have it - we are all with you!
You are doing great!
I'll echo what the above commenters say: Yes, I too hate this disease much of the time. I'm in my 26th year (being diagnosed at 5, now 31yrsold) and play the guessing game pretty much every day. As others have said, any little thing can throw it off. The A1C numbers aren't what you want to see, but try not to let the doc be too rough - you're doing what you can the best you can. Many times, they don't appreciate that and expect that if someone's not producing robot-like rituals and results, then it's their fault. They often need to be reminded that we aren't robots, life happens, and it's a partnership that we all need to be a part of with reinforcement. Good luck, and keep up being a good mom as your blog clearly shows you are.
ReplyDeleteWe're almost to the 5 year mark too...7/25/05...
ReplyDeleteHas she been tested for celiac? Once of the signs is a plateau in growth.
(((HUGS)))
It's funny that you ask. She was sent to the lab to be tested for Celiac at that appointment, so we'll see. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised--she also has Hashimoto's Disease, which, like Celiac, is also common in Type 1's. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed....
ReplyDeleteMy husband has a pump along with a continous glucose monitor (cgm) and it is great to have through the night. I would ask your Endo about it. It was a life saver for us in more ways than one. Great blog!
ReplyDelete